When it rains it hurricanes.
I mean, where else can I keep the words that will never reach you? All the words I wish held more weight, because after they barely leave my lips, before they even have the chance to become tiny whispers, they're gone and you just stand there, watching them lazily float away. The important words always go unheard or even acknowledge by a single bit of this universe.
I wish I could describe the overwhelming emptiness one is stuck with when feelings of being an alien to this life, this world, but these feelings is all they've ever known. How lonely it is when no one can relate and how exhausted a soul becomes after 23 years of wishing they and them would finally find each other. How hiding lack of value and self worth are a constant battle with no peace in sight, when every relationship built becomes so easily discarded and everyone barely makes the history books. One only stays with them to keep them like stories told rather than moments lived. There are no words that could make you know what it's like to wake up every morning and know you have to get up and be the outsider. As much as wishing you to understand fills me, I couldn't bare to see the change in even you that these feelings would surely bring.
Today is the day my soul got ripped apart and the concept of trust is nothing but a meaningless word unwelcome as anything ever has. It's the day I locked myself in the realm created long ago without me even noticing, the realm I once used as a simple retreat from the cold world when it was too overwhelming. But now this is the only place I can stand to be in this skin, with these thoughts, with memories that no one else feels or could even know. My sanctuary.
I'm no better than anyone else, and I don't think I am. But I do feel like the people I've encountered in this life, could never understand what true struggle, pain, horror, fear, strength, and fight really mean. How never having felt as though you belong just pushes you further and further away from them like waves in the Pacific. How could they see my scar riddled body, the ghosts of battles fought in past lives I can't remember but unable to forget those emotions like those feelings are the only thing keeping me alive right this fucking second.
Old soul, they say.
Maybe seeing the world for what it really is well before childhood, could give me my gift of innocence, and the lack of this has made me this way. Maybe my lack of happy memories has allowed those emotions to be stronger and run rampant in everything I do, say, think, plan, see, am. I know it's both, but still... they aren't the reason why my opinions are only passionate or uninterested, why I can love my female figure but detest what it says to the world, why I relate to people who have never known my world but they can never relate to me, or why I constantly feel the emotions designated for other people more than they themselves feel them.
Too many questions in a universe with too many more pressing issues to spend the time on.
But I need to know why you would lie about the love you had for me, about what our relationship meant to you, what changed in you, where this anger and hate is coming from, why when I am at my weakest do you direct any and all of your anger to me when all I want to do is help you?
"I would like to welcome you to the world of fake bitches, no love.
What the fuck you take me for?"
All I want is to be something with You. Just You and I. I want to help you. I want to punch You in your stupid fucking face and then kiss You on the mouth.
"I have a very big crush on you but sadly I am only a little bug and you are a garden."
Emotions drained. Feelings nonexistent. Shower wanted.
